Monday, December 19, 2011

Induction, licenses, and instincts, OH MY!

This will probably be my last entry before I have Emily.

I had my doctor's appointment today. My doctor said I'm close to 2cm and I've made progress on my effacement. He scheduled me to be induced tomorrow morning at Oh-dark-thirty. I mean, 5:00am. Which means I need to leave my house between 4:00am and 4:15am because he said that if I'm not there in time, they will cancel the induction. This means I'll need to be up no later than 3:15am (Or by 3:00am, if I plan to dry my hair and not just put it in a ponytail).

So, when I get there, I'll have the rest of my registration papers signed, get setup in my room, and wait. I discussed my pain management options with my doctor and I would really like to try other things before my epidural. But I certainly won't turn it down if I feel I am ready. :)

I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow. Like I've said before, I'm not so much nervous about the labor; I'm nervous about staying at the hospital for the first time and all the tubes and needles and blood. And to be honest, I'm getting a little anxious about Emily being here. She's just this little, defenseless, completely dependant person and it's my job to nurture and care for her. I know I will lose countless hours of sleep over wanting to provide everything I can for her.

I think that every parent should have to get a Parent License before being allowed to procreate. In the test, you would have to study up and learn all the facts and take a written exam. On this exam, you must get 100% or else you have to study up another 6 months and test later. There's no "try 3 times and figure it out by process of elimination;" you would have to fill-in all the answers. Then, once you pass, you are closely monitored by another parent as you "test drive" caring for an infant. Once you feel you are ready for this, someone from Child Services would put a spy cam in your house and if you pass, you get a parent license and can procreate.

I'm thinking about all the things I know right now and how few those things are in comparison to what I will learn. I mean, I know I don't even know close to everything I need to know about caring for Emily. And I'm sure there's no way to really prepare for all the changes I'm going to have or all the new things I'll need to know. But at least with the Parent License, I would know what I need to know.

I'm hoping that it's true what people say about it all coming naturally. And I'm sure it's natural that I feel nervous about a lot of these things, because so many people are. And I even know that once she's here, my maternal instincts will kick in and I will be the best mother I can be. But even though I know all of these things, I still need to believe them.

This is why I'm sure Friday will be the scariest and hardest and best day of my life - the first day that I have my baby girl in my house with no one to tell me I'm doing it right or wrong but her. And in the whole scheme of things, she's the most important opinion and evidence that I'm doing okay. Not anyone else.

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