Monday, May 27, 2013

And everyone was there...

I had the most incredibly vivid dream last night:

We found out we were pregnant (in the dream). I was very confused because I had taken a pregnancy test just a week ago (in real life). I was pretty far along and Eric and I were talking about it while driving to my parents to tell them. We discussed how Katie and I did not want to be pregnant together again, how there was lots to prepare for, and how to tell my parents.

We arrived at my parents house and told them our news. "I thought you were waiting to get pregnant," my mom said. I told her we were but apparently the baby wasn't. I told Susan as well and she kept telling me she didn't want to give up something but I don't remember what. I don't think we ended up telling many people. I don't even remember telling Melanie.

I was scheduled for a c-section but went into natural labor. I went to the hospital with my mom, Susan, and Kaitlyn (from our church's youth group). They set me up in bed and said my OB would be there soon. I was alone in there for a while (other than my mom, Kaitlyn, and Susan). We tried calling Eric but I soon found out there was no time. I felt the urge to push and there were no nurses or doctors in the room. My mom and Susan had gone for food for me. I called over Kaitlyn and told her she would have to deliver the baby. She was nervous, but I told her what to do. I pushed for a little bit and the baby was out. It was a girl. She was quite purple at first but when Kaitlyn held her close and cleaned her, her color came to her body and she cried beautifully. Kaitlyn took her somewhere to wrap her and I delivered the afterbirth alone. I remembered thinking how proud that Leanne would be that I had a VBAC and didn't need medication.

I finally held her and named her Madelyne. I looked up the name and it comes from the Aramaic name "Magdela," which means "tower." Eric was there soon after. My sister and mom came back, stunned she was already born. We brought her to my parents house to celebrate her birth, instead of the hospital. I saw the Roccos - Michael held her for a moment, but was having an argument with Sammy so he gave her back. Kaitlyn kept coming over to hold her and snuggle her. Pastor Al and Carmen held her and I had a tough time persuading them to return her. Eric finally decided that he wanted to not share anymore and held her the rest of the time.

I talked to my mom and explained that I was unprepared so I thought there was more time. We didn't have a car seat or a bigger car or a place for her to sleep. That's when I woke up,

I don't even remember the last dream that I had that was this vivid.

Saturday, May 25, 2013


When you become a mother, there is a whole new world of things that embarrass you. If you are a perfectionist like me, the number is high. Unfortunately, you only learn about these things as you go.
This week, Emily threw her first public tantrum. I don't mind when she throws a tantrum at home -  I can handle it. Even when people are visiting or we are at someone's home (a rarity, lol), I can easily handle and calm her down. But nothing is as mortifying as a tantrum in a public place. It wasn't severe, it wasn't violent, but it was loud.
We were at the public health department for our WIC appointment and, for some reason, they left the door in the lobby open with 3 or 4 toddlers in the waiting room. Maybe I'm the only bad mommy who's daughter tried to run out of the lobby so this is why they leave it.
Either way, she kept trying to run out the door, so I would walk her back and try to occupy her. I brought her favorite snack (Gerbers' garden tomato puffs) so I took them out for her to snack on. She eats a few, tries to make a break for it. I go for her hand to guide her back and she smacks down the snacks everywhere, forcing me to crawl all over the lobby. Then, when I go to bring her back again, she starts jumping and pulling at her arm to break free. Then, she throws her body on the ground and smacks her head on the linoleum (intentionally). Starts yelling, "no. No." Then, we were called back to the office and she kept trying to escape.
Another thing I am embarrassed about this week - my body. I know I'm going to get heat about saying that from my girl friends but you know what? I am not digging my body this week. I know its not the same as a few years ago - I have carried a child and breastfed. I realize that it won't be the same. But I have the delusional desire for it to be.
I was getting ready to go to lunch with a friend on Wednesday and I was checking out clothes I hadn't worn in a while. I even tried on one of my pre-pregnancy shirts. Gorgeous and flowy. But I wasn't comfortable wearing it because of my belly-in-progress.
I know I am working out, but for now, I am covering up what I can. I know that's probably a bad way of thinking of it, but at least I am working on it.