Real life?

Eric was talking to me about getting back into our "real life." I've had other people tell me that I need to get back into "normal life." I keep seeing all these things online about how to "get back to normal" after your baby is born.

When did people forget that a baby changes everything?

When I got pregnant, at the beginning, I thought it was totally feasible for me to work a 40-hour work week and come home. I was thinking about the cost of sitters and who could watch Emily while I went on with things like dinners out and dates and all of this. I decided that my baby would sleep whenever I want and I was convinced that giving my daughter formula would sign her death certificate. I stayed up until 1am some nights and did whatever I wanted without worrying. I didn't think about how my life would change when she got here.

Now? I prefer to be home (or headed home) by 9pm so Emily can get to bed and I can pump breastmilk and be asleep by ten so I can sleep while she does, considering she is sleeping 8 hours a night. I couldn't imagine going back to work and realize it's a blessing that I am able to stay home and not a right. I realize that, even though breastfeeding is natural, that doesn't mean it's always easy. I know that using formula and/or breastmilk is a personal decision.

My whole day revolves around Emily now. I limit how much I'm out and about because Emily gets really fussy if her sleeping/eating/playtime schedule is messed up too much. I haven't really visited a lot of friends because I have to pump breastmilk or breastfeed if I'm out more than 3 hours and I am really not comfortable with doing that in front of my friends because I prefer not to use a cover and that's uncomfortable for some people. If I use a cover, Emily falls asleep within 5-10 minutes and doesn't finish eating. I've only breastfed at my house and my mom's. Same goes for pumping. Grocery shopping isn't an issue with Emily; she does great as long as she doesn't miss her nap. Church on Sunday happens to fall during a feeding and I feed her expressed breastmilk and formula separately, so I just go to the nursery and do it myself because my bottle lid sometimes leaks and it's easier to do it rather than sound like the mom who doesn't think anyone knows how to feed a child. I normally stay with her in the nursery after - I want to try to leave her with the nursery workers but there's a lot more babies in the church during both services now that I would rather just stay since there are so many babies anyway.

Eric and I are still not ready to dive back into youth ministry and I don't know if I feel guilty or not for that. I just wrote and deleted a whole paragraph which discussed all of this but I don't think it's really something I need to discuss with anyone that reads my blog.

My question is, who decides what "real life" or "normal" is after baby? I know that I need to be able to do every day things with her (grocery shopping, driving, visiting friends, etc.) but why does it have to be the same as before? To say, "Nothing will change" is a lot like saying "I know I'm a parent, but let's pretend the kid isn't here."

I'm okay with it if you guys don't agree. If we did, that would be too easy.

My Own Time

With everything that goes on in my day, I love spending time with my daughter more than anything. She is expressive, smart, beautiful, and my morning coffee! 

I love being home with her and being out with her but so does her daddy :) He's been so good to stay home with her an afternoon every other week for the last few weeks so I can go out and do something for myself. I have become such a homebody when I used to constantly be surrounded by people I see every day. Its been an odd adjustment so the time for me to go out and about on my own has been nice.

One thing always happens - when I get home, I always miss them both like crazy.

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Emily's first cold

Emily and I officially both have colds.

She was starting to show signs yesterday - sneezing more than usual, not sleeping during the day. I figured it's because I had dusted so there was dust in the air and that she didn't sleep much during the day since she slept so well the night before. Then, this morning, I woke up to the sad little sound of her waking herself with sneezing and coughing. I fed her and got her to sleep again and she slept another two hours.

I'm trying different things to help, since I know you can't really "cure" a cold; you can only treat symptons. So far, I:
- Brought her in the bathroom while I showered in the guest bathroom so she could have the steam work on her sinuses.
- Bought a humidifier.
- Used one of those "nose suckers."
- Let her sleep in her carrier (which she has been asleep in for almost 2 hours now).
- Rubbed VICKS on her feet.

One thing I have noticed - she might be the only baby I have ever seen that loves getting her nose wiped. Everytime I wipe her nose after she sneezes, she smiles. At least I know she's keeping a good attitude and I'm doing my best to keep a good one with her so she's not miserable. I have had so many smiles from her today.

On an unrelated note, she is cooing and "talking" so much more and holding sounds for a while. She's such a sweetheart.

Expectations

For my whole life, I have wanted to be a mom. I don't remember an age where I didn't want to be a mom. I think I saw my mom and I wanted to be like her. She was always so playful and fun with us when we were kids and even when I was mad because I was punished, she never waivered in love for us. I always knew that I wanted to be a mom like her.

I don't know what I actually expected when I became a mom. As I got older, I thought understood the reality - sleepless, loud, frustrating nights with many diapers. What actually happened - she's sleeping through the night, cries less than an hour a day, the nights are easy (now) and... well, she does have a lot of diapers. I expected she wouldn't smile until 3 months old and that she wouldn't do anything but sleep eat and poop until she learned to crawl. What actually happened - she has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen that is just full of joy and she loves to just bounce around and "talk" to me and anyone who will listen.

I still wanted to be a mom with those expectations.

I didn't expect to have issues breastfeeding. I didn't expect her to have such a sad cry when she got her shots. I didn't expect that she would pee on me a few times. I didn't expect to be in the hospital for a week with her from her weight. But I still want to be a mom.

I know why I love this so much - it's because I never expected in a million years that I would love her this much. I didn't expect that, as she falls asleep, I would want to kiss her and hold her so close.

I know she will not be this small forever and it won't last; everyone keeps telling me that. Can I ask a favor?

Stop telling me that. It's the only expectation that I know will happen.

Busy and Rested

It's been a busy week for my little two-month old!

On Wednesday, she had her 2-month Well Baby check-up which went great! She is now 11lbs, 2oz. I had a bunch of questions about continuing weight gain and sleeping. The doctor said that we are no longer concerned about her gaining and to just let her sleep however long she wants and she will get up when hungry :) That being said, she slept around 7-8 hours the last three nights! However, she did have her shots this month and I saw my poor baby's first tears :(

On Thursday, we went to the hospital to visit the newest member of my friend Christina's household :) Emily had to stay outside of the OB unit, but she got some face time with her buddy Vivienne :) Afterward, she went with us to visit my parents' new house.

On Friday, my sister Susan came for the day. I was really glad she came by - it's the first time in a VERY long time that we spent the day together. Emily was giving up smiles to her left and right. Plus, Susan made a Build-A-Bear dog for her in a gorgeous princess outfit AND bought her a necklace with wording on the pendant. I can't get over how much Susan loves Emily - she has learned something new about taking care of Emily every time and she is great with talking to her and she is so gentle with her. :) Anyway, we had tacos for dinner and watched a movie together too!

Then, on Saturday, we relaxed the whole day. We didn't go anywhere, do anything, visit anyone. It was great :)

Church was Sunday and she did well. We got a visit from Ashley and Andrew which was really nice, considering I hadn't seen either of them in about two months!

Emily has been doing AMAZING for the last few nights - she has slept thru the night since Thursday night for 8 hours. She woke up for about half an hour on Saturday night/Sunday morning to eat but went right back to sleep. That being said, I'm doing great!

I don't feel overwhelmed right now. I'm almost done cleaning the house already, I was able to actually play a game on my Wii, AND I feel relaxed :) Life is good.

The Motherhood

When Eric and I were engaged, I theorized (and was proven right) that being married is a club. When you get married (or even just engaged), all your married friends seem to want to hang out more and setup dates and have evenings together and you slowly migrate towards your married friends and away from single friends.

I think the same is true of becoming a parent, but modified. More specifically, becoming a mom. When you become a mom, your priorities typically change. All of your mommy-friends want to setup playdates with their kids and I haven't met a mommy-friend that doesn't love holding a new baby. Like the Married Club, you lean towards your parent-friends because they get it. They understand that you can't stay out late because your little one needs to sleep. They don't care if you need to breastfeed in the middle of the living room. They empathize when you excuse yourself to your closet to find a shirt you didn't leak through (sorry if that's graphic lol). And most moms are going to read that last statement and think of at least one time that's happened. They understand the sacrifices you make, no matter how small.

I've found myself putting Emily before me in so many more ways than I anticipated. Today,

"Those who mind don't matter and those who matter, don't mind."

I've been reminding myself of that for my parenting lately. I'm blessed in the way that most people have been super supportive of my choices with Emily. I'm hoping that's because of my "good instincts," as my mom phrases it and not because people think I'm crazy. I mean, it's possible but unlikely.

This week, I was able to bring her to church and the grocery store where she stayed awake for both. At church, I wanted to keep her with me. I don't see the point in bringing her to the nursery if she is quiet and not fussy during service. I knew her feeding was coming at noon so I went to the nursery then to feed her and, since she fell asleep in my arms, I stayed. Plus, it was very nice to have time to chat with Pat. Either way, I don't see it as a problem to keep her with me. I know how to keep her calm during service and it's good for her to be in there.

At the grocery store, she was a little fussy for a minute or two in the middle but then she fell asleep. This elderly woman saw her in the store and she told me that my daughter was precious and said she could pass for the Gerber baby. We chatted for a bit and she said to take in every second because if I don't, I'll miss it.

Trust me - I love every waking and sleeping moment with Emily and I'm still stunned how much I love her.