Fears and Victories

Well, the last week has been a lot more... relaxing. Yes, relaxing is the right word. It took a few days to get Emily back on her schedule but she was ready to do it.

Last weekend, Eric celebrated my first official Mother's Day. We stayed home from church so he could pamper me a little before he had to sleep for another 12+ hour overnight shift that night. He made me some delicious eggs, bacon, and hash browns. Also, while I was getting ready for the day upstairs, he brought me a bouquet of yellow tulips. When I came downstairs, there were pink lilies waiting for me as well. Emily even went down for her nap on time without any interruptions and when Eric went to sleep, I relaxed on the couch and watched a whole movie. Overall, great day.

Even though the days that lead up to it were nice, I was actually very nervous about this week because I decided it was time to try to get Emily to go to sleep on her own.

There was a lot going through my head at this point. I worried (after reading an article in American Baby) that I had waited too long to begin since the article said you should begin as soon as 8 weeks. The same article said that I shouldn't be giving her a bottle or nursing her to go to sleep (but my issue was more that she has a tendency to fall asleep during her second bottle after naps). All of this was put to rest after I read in What to Expect The First Year: "Teaching your baby to fall asleep without assistance from breast (or bottle) can more practically wait until baby is older - between six and nine months - and nursing less often." I also was worried because I didn't know how she would react. My mom told me that she waited too long to start this with me (nine months) and I cried and cried, taking an hour to go to sleep the first night. In the times I've put her in her crib alone before, she just plays.

But in spite of all of these concerns, I decided to go with my instincts - Emily seems to know when 9:30pm hits and it's a rare occasion for her to stay up later. She is becoming very confident and content. She's been back on schedule for a few days so I decided - This Tuesday was day 1.

So, I fed her 15 minutes earlier than I normally do (to avoid letting her fall asleep) and she was drowsy by the end. I brought her up to her room and put her in her crib while drowsy (whoops). She played for a few minutes but no tears. She was asleep in ten minutes. The next night, she hadn't napped very well and she fell asleep on the bottle. The third night, I put her in her crib wide awake - no tears, asleep in ten minutes. Last night (the fourth night), I did the same as the night before - asleep 3 minutes later. :)

I hope that God keeps blessing me like this. Because I don't think I could let her cry.

Hoping for a BREAK!

I was right to worry about this visit.

They leave tomorrow. It's been a complicated week. I seem to have left my rose-colored glasses somewhere else because I have not had it easy. To put things in perspective for mysel and readers of this blog, I'll summarize the week with a PRO/CON list.


PRO's

• Eric's dad (John) has been incredibly helpful with loading the dishwasher and taking out the trash.
• He has been fabulous with Emily and Emily seems to really know she's safe around him.
• I've been able to take Emily on a stroller ride nearly every day with Debbie.
• I had an evening to myself with Emily.
• Eric's parents have picked up groceries for me a couple of times and grabbed dinner for us one night.
• John was able to feed Emily a bottle and even fed her a few bites of food.
• My supply of breastmilk has not fluctuated much.
• I'm learning that I value my parents a lot more.

CON's

• Emily has not been able to take a single nap undisturbed by yelling or banging in the kitchen or slamming doors, except her overnight sleeping. Which is not always disturbed but always had had stomping up the stairs and doors slamming
• Debbie called my scrambled eggs "crumbly, like rice" and continued to compare them in a story about her mother-in-law making burnt pancakes because her dad made him like that. Thus, she implied that my mom taught me to make them that way! (Anyone who has had my eggs, please weigh-in on the subject).
• Debbie also did that to a few other foods of mine (pasta - "plain," for example. And she salt-and-peppered everything I gave her without tasting it).
• I've felt more left out of and excluded from this family than anything I ever have in my life. Since Eric is at work, I feel like no one's in my corner unless he's home with anything, especially when I ask if we can quiet down for Emily's nap.

For the record, it's not like they are using regular voices and I'm making them whisper. Josh is yelling at the TV or to someone next to him, John yells at Josh, and Debbie's clanging dishes around.

I've been miserable for the last few days. The first day or two was good but now? It's so frustrating. I know it doesn't seem like big stuff on here but I really don't want to get super deep into it. It's just - I'm getting criticized for everything from Emily to my cooking, no one cares if Emily sleeps, and no one is backing me up.

Relax!

The next few days, I plan to relax.

I know that this isn't a word I normally use in describing my days, but it's my mission. Which almost is unrelaxing. I digress...

Eric's parents will be flying in this Thursday to meet their granddaughter for the first time. I'm a little bit stressed... No, "stressed" is the wrong word. I'm not sure what the right word is. But that's not the point.

For the last couple of weeks, I've been preparing the house - dusting fans, vacuuming, mopping, getting the guest room ready, stocking up breastmilk, grocery shopping, all of that. I haven't had anyone over 24/7 for a whole week ever, much less since Emily was born. I just want to be ready when they get here so we can show that we've been taking care of the house. I have forgotten to prepare myself.

I haven't spent a week with anyone other than Eric or Emily since youth camp. I wasn't even housing them; it was just the same cabin. And it was simple because I was in charge and there was no conflict there. Here, it's a little more complicated - we're staying in their house with their stuff and our stuff, using their furniture, sleeping in their master bedroom at a house that they are technically still in charge of but we are living in and have the freedom to do what we want in. I just don't know how it will be while they are here. Will they assert their authority and it will be like we are staying with them, not vice versa? If so, how do I assert my authority in regards to Emily since she has certain routines? If not, am I supposed to take care of their things as guests, such as laundry and tidying after them?

This is why I choose to relax for the next few days. All that needs to be done is vacuuming (Eric) and sweeping the kitchen (me). Tomorrow, I'll load up the laundry. I need to relax thought because I've been on overdrive and probably been worrying about all the wrong things. I'm going to spend time with my daughter and relaxing with books and movies.

Or shopping online.

Or giving myself a pedicure.

Wow, I need to NOT make a list of to-do's for once.

Bookworm

I have re-discovered my love of books.

I know I normally prefer movies because I can multi-task during them, but I've realized that I ONLY multitask when I'm watching television. If the TV is on, I'm almost always folding laundry or washing dishes or feeding Emily or playing with Emily or pumping or tidying the living room (or bedroom, depending where I'm watching). For this reason, watching movies is not really a relaxing experience for me. A movie used to mean, "Yes, time for popcorn and lounging on the couch." Now, a movie means, "Good, now I can get all that laundry done."

I received Bossypants by Tina Fey from Eric for my birthday and I have been reading it every night as I go to bed. I finished it a few nights ago but I realized that I felt so relaxed while I read and I know why - I can't do anything else while I read. And I don't relax by doing nothing; it's by doing no more than one thing.

That being said, I need more books.

Trying new things

Emily's well-baby checkup went well. Here's the changes:

Last Well-Baby:
Weight: 11lbs 10oz
Length: 23.5 inches

This Well-Baby
Weight: 14lbs 7oz
Length: 25 inches

My little girl is certainly getting big! My mom came over after Emily's doctor's appointment and we were supposed to work on some things, but we ended up just hanging out and having lunch while Emily slept off her shots. It was nice to have her over since I haven't gotten to have her over in a while.

Emily hasn't turned over yet so Dr. Smith told me I need to increase her time on her stomach. I decided the easiest time is right after her nap. When I went to get her from her first nap yesterday, I put her on her Sesame Street blanket on the floor so I could change her sheets. As I watched her, I wish I had my camera because the girl completed almost an entire circle as she kept trying to push over. I think she just needs to figure out her arms so I'm not concerned - she will end up turning over one way or another.

Yesterday, we also tried her first rice cereal. It went pretty well!

Overall, yesterday was a fun day with her. I have such an amazing girl. This morning, she decided we needed to be early risers so she was ready to get out of her crib at 5:45am. I think she was actually up by 5:30am, maybe earlier. I'm hoping to catch a nap on her second one today. Or maybe Eric can watch her while she's up and I can go lay down for an hour.



"Are you lonely?"

That's the question my mom asked me the other day. The answer: I think I am.

Eric's been working insane hours so I only get to see him so much. Last week, I tried to embrace the solo time I was going to have for my afternoon "off" and see a movie on my own. I ended up inviting someone to come with me to the movies and then, the movie I picked wasn't in theaters. I could have gone to another movie but I would have been home later and I missed my husband and daughter.

I had a job before this where I was constantly interacting with people that I had known a while or just met. I could walk into my coworker's office when I was having a frustrating morning with work and we would talk for a few minutes. I was able to connect with a minimum of 10 people every day. Since I have become a stay-at-home mom, I don't have that.

I'm not saying I regret staying home at all; I love staying with my daughter and holding her and playing with her and kissing her beautiful face. I am saying that I miss people.

I became a homebody long before Emily was born. When we lived in Whetstone, the drive was shorter and, if my friends invited me over, I grabbed my keys and purse and said, "See you in 20 minutes!" I could be spontaneous! When we moved to Benson, my travel time doubled and Emily's schedule goes a little crazy. She does fine with a short outing but not if she doesn't have somewhere to nap or nurse. Plus, I can't go 4 hours without pumping and I'm not comfortable doing that out and about.

I think that I'm losing a lot of friends because of living here. No one likes to make the drive out to see us (which I understand - gas is expensive) and bringing Emily with me into town becomes a mission to bring the least amount but bringing all I need. And I have to time it so that I can pump before I leave. That being said, I realize that I'm not really invited anywhere and I think it's because I said "no" one too many times. What I fear is, I'm not invited anymore because no one wants to spend time with me.

I have invited some people out here but it rarely works out. I have only one person in Benson that I could see and I thought to myself earlier last week, I should surprise Amanda and visit her with Emily. Then, I found the construction that's going on in Benson right now, which makes it really sucky. So I need to figure out another way to see her.

In summary - My husband works 60+ hours a week. Most of my friends don't want to drive out to see me (which I am told is because of gas money) (and thank you to the friends that have come). And the person who is my most frequent company is a four-month old who always smiles at me.

You know what? Who cares? I have Emily and she's the person that is always happy to have me. Always. And all I have to do to hang out with her is provide refreshments. :)

Oh my blog!

I haven't updated this in a while, so let's get to it.

Eric and I finally went on our first date since Emily was born at the beginning of the month. My parents were nice enough to watch Emily while we went out to dinner at Country House. As much as we tried, we talked about Emily 90% of the time. Even so, it was so refreshing to eat a meal that I didn't have to cook or clean up after and be able to complete it without worrying if Emily would sleep long enough to finish it. Every time we realized we had looped back to Emily, we changed the subject to some nonsense subject. However, it didn't really help that there was a table across from us with a little one. :)

I'm starting to manage my time better. I've been keeping the house clean and dishes caught up which I feel really proud for doing. I've been able to make real meals made when Eric is home (instead of just throwing something frozen in the oven). Eric's even made a few meals, which has been incredibly helpful.

Emily is doing great. She's just such a happy baby and is amazing. She is such a joy to spend my day with and I love that girl :) She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I'm looking forward to seeing (in numbers) how much she has grown!

Gotta go for now - my little blessing is ready to wake up!