Enjoying the Reward

I don't feel like we always acknowledge the blessings we are given. We become accustomed to receiving all of these amazing gifts and we stop being grateful for small things. We get used to a lack of perseverance and don't want to work for it anymore. We stop seeing our blessings as blessings and begin to see them as rights.

I am not at my best 100% of the time and lately, I've just been so burned out. I haven't been appreciating the things that I have been given like I should. It's not easy to be a stay-at-home mom all the time. I know that, unless you do it or have done it, it's not really acknowledged as hard work. There's unlimited overtime hours and no pay. No vacation. Constant deadlines. Constant criticism from others in your field and others that have heard about your field with no experience of their own. Working on sick days. Yet, I do it. I need to do it, .

I am grateful to be a SAHM. I wouldn't have anyone else do this job. But the last few weeks, I have just wanted a break. It's exhausting when Eric has two days off a week and most of his work days give him an hour at the end of the day with Emily. I stay up late to finish cleaning and then have some "me" time

In all of this stress, I have not been acknowledging the awesome kid that Emily is. She's learning so quickly. Last weekend, she was playing in her room with Eric while I was cooking. I was listening over the monitor.

Eric: Hi, Emily.
Emily: Hewo.
Eric: How are you?
Emily: (garbled) Happy to see you.

WHAT?! She's repeating everything nowadays. She can jump a few inches from the ground.
She'll go in her room and have books all over her lap while she pretends to read. She puts her dirty dishes in the sink. She helps put clothes in the laundry basket. Also, she kisses, not licks, now! She's just impressive.

Also, Tuesday was the seven-year anniversary of mine and Eric's first date. He bought me some red roses. We went to our first movie together since Emily was born on Wednesday. The theater was empty and it was relaxing to see a movie together.

Need to appreciate this much more.

My name is Krystle and I'm addicted.

I am proud to say that I have been regularly working out for about an hour, three times a week, for almost 2 months. Sometimes, it's more, but it hasn't been less.

I am not so proud to say that my discipline has NOT reached my unhealthy eating habits.

To be fair, my love affair with fast food has been minimized to about once a week (which is also nicer for our budget) and my meals are attempting to be healthier (been trying new vegetable recipes), but my nighttime popcorn habit will be the death of my weight-loss.

The ridiculous thing is, I know this. I realize it hinders my goals and prevents me from losing more fat. But I give in EVERY SINGLE TIME. I will avoid buying it and then, spend on it that day with another alibi to go to the store. I hide it away and tell myself I can have it on the weekend and end up rationalizing why I "need" it tonight. I even tell myself that I will never even make a dent in my weight loss significantly if I don't stop. Somehow, I decide one more won't hurt.

Is this how people with more drastic addictions feel when quitting? I mean, I'm sure they don't have meetings for popcorn addicts. Oh, Overeaters Anonymous, right?

Ugh, I hate that I love food.

I am never planning on being a single-digit jean size, but I would prefer to be down at least two sizes before we are pregnant again. With all my pregnant friends right now, I would love to lose what they gain. (sorry, ladies!)

Habits to break or change? Can't I just get lipo and a tummy tuck??

And everyone was there...

I had the most incredibly vivid dream last night:

We found out we were pregnant (in the dream). I was very confused because I had taken a pregnancy test just a week ago (in real life). I was pretty far along and Eric and I were talking about it while driving to my parents to tell them. We discussed how Katie and I did not want to be pregnant together again, how there was lots to prepare for, and how to tell my parents.

We arrived at my parents house and told them our news. "I thought you were waiting to get pregnant," my mom said. I told her we were but apparently the baby wasn't. I told Susan as well and she kept telling me she didn't want to give up something but I don't remember what. I don't think we ended up telling many people. I don't even remember telling Melanie.

I was scheduled for a c-section but went into natural labor. I went to the hospital with my mom, Susan, and Kaitlyn (from our church's youth group). They set me up in bed and said my OB would be there soon. I was alone in there for a while (other than my mom, Kaitlyn, and Susan). We tried calling Eric but I soon found out there was no time. I felt the urge to push and there were no nurses or doctors in the room. My mom and Susan had gone for food for me. I called over Kaitlyn and told her she would have to deliver the baby. She was nervous, but I told her what to do. I pushed for a little bit and the baby was out. It was a girl. She was quite purple at first but when Kaitlyn held her close and cleaned her, her color came to her body and she cried beautifully. Kaitlyn took her somewhere to wrap her and I delivered the afterbirth alone. I remembered thinking how proud that Leanne would be that I had a VBAC and didn't need medication.

I finally held her and named her Madelyne. I looked up the name and it comes from the Aramaic name "Magdela," which means "tower." Eric was there soon after. My sister and mom came back, stunned she was already born. We brought her to my parents house to celebrate her birth, instead of the hospital. I saw the Roccos - Michael held her for a moment, but was having an argument with Sammy so he gave her back. Kaitlyn kept coming over to hold her and snuggle her. Pastor Al and Carmen held her and I had a tough time persuading them to return her. Eric finally decided that he wanted to not share anymore and held her the rest of the time.

I talked to my mom and explained that I was unprepared so I thought there was more time. We didn't have a car seat or a bigger car or a place for her to sleep. That's when I woke up,

I don't even remember the last dream that I had that was this vivid.

Embarassed

When you become a mother, there is a whole new world of things that embarrass you. If you are a perfectionist like me, the number is high. Unfortunately, you only learn about these things as you go.

This week, Emily threw her first public tantrum. I don't mind when she throws a tantrum at home -  I can handle it. Even when people are visiting or we are at someone's home (a rarity, lol), I can easily handle and calm her down. But nothing is as mortifying as a tantrum in a public place. It wasn't severe, it wasn't violent, but it was loud.

We were at the public health department for our WIC appointment and, for some reason, they left the door in the lobby open with 3 or 4 toddlers in the waiting room. Maybe I'm the only bad mommy who's daughter tried to run out of the lobby so this is why they leave it.

Either way, she kept trying to run out the door, so I would walk her back and try to occupy her. I brought her favorite snack (Gerbers' garden tomato puffs) so I took them out for her to snack on. She eats a few, tries to make a break for it. I go for her hand to guide her back and she smacks down the snacks everywhere, forcing me to crawl all over the lobby. Then, when I go to bring her back again, she starts jumping and pulling at her arm to break free. Then, she throws her body on the ground and smacks her head on the linoleum (intentionally). Starts yelling, "no. No." Then, we were called back to the office and she kept trying to escape.

Another thing I am embarrassed about this week - my body. I know I'm going to get heat about saying that from my girl friends but you know what? I am not digging my body this week. I know its not the same as a few years ago - I have carried a child and breastfed. I realize that it won't be the same. But I have the delusional desire for it to be.

I was getting ready to go to lunch with a friend on Wednesday and I was checking out clothes I hadn't worn in a while. I even tried on one of my pre-pregnancy shirts. Gorgeous and flowy. But I wasn't comfortable wearing it because of my belly-in-progress.

I know I am working out, but for now, I am covering up what I can. I know that's probably a bad way of thinking of it, but at least I am working on it.

Operation: Happiness

I need to start keeping up with this blog again so I don't have to do an update before every real entry.

UPDATE:
Emily had her 15-month visit and Dr. smith said she was advanced for her age, in terms of language and comprehension and that kind of thing.
We have both been sick and are over it now.
I have begun decorating the apartment.
I have begun working out.
Eric is going to be getting a promotion.

Our first month here went well.We have had friends over (mostly Jonny and Katie or my mom) and had wonderful dinners. Emily is no longer afraid of the tub. I have started decorating.

I am feeling happy today. I mean, I made the decision last week to start working out and I did my third workout this morning. My mom is being super amazing by watching Emily while I work out since I am using her gym. I really want to be in better shape for my next pregnancy and it looks like that might be late winter when we stop preventing it. I don't want us to have another one while we are in our little two-bedroom apartment. It's perfect size for the three of us but it would be a big deal for the four of us.

Man, that was a train of thought, happening right in front of your eyes!
I need something to write about. I need to be motivated to update this blog. When I was pregnant, I constantly wrote about my worrying and experiences because it was all so new to me. Maybe things are too routine. I need more experiences for Emily and I while I'm home!!

 

Our First Trip To The Park

We took an outing to the park today!

At first, Emily just kind of moseyed around, checking out the dirt and grass and trying to feel it. She kept giving me handfuls of dirt. Then, she spotted a 10-month old and her mother. She kept waving and made her way over to them.

Totally friendly, Trina (mom) and Haylie (baby). I chatted with her about the girls and our spouses and friends. We talked about the nursery at my church and I ended up inviting her this Sunday. Her husband was there with their dachshund and Emily took it upon herself to chase the dog, and then take turns sitting in Trina and her husband's laps. She kept squatting down to wave to Haylie.

When Emily started to eat dirt, I decided it was time to go. When I was getting in the car, Trina asked me if I had my car seat installed by the fire department. I said I had before Emily was born. Turns out, she was the woman who installed Emily's car seat! We exchanged numbers and I made my first mommy-friend!!

Then, we went to Walgreens and she somehow lost a shoe which we never found. I guess we have to get new shoes for her!

Speeding by

A lot can change in a month.

WE GOT OUR TAX RETURN!
We filed as soon at we got everything and received a beautiful $5k. With this money, we paid off debt and....

WE MOVED TO SIERRA VISTA!
This move was way more difficult than necessary. First of all, the apartment was not properly cleaned and I am still fighting with the apartment for a credit for that. They were late getting everything repaired. I had to reschedule utilities. To make things worse...

EMILY IS SICK.
She threw up the first time on Saturday and has thrown up 1-2 times a day since then. The worrse one was when she threw up in the car on moving day (Sunday). Today, she has not thrown up but she is on a pretty bland diet right now. I called Dr. Smith's office and the nurse gave me some diet instructions and said, if she is still throwing up by Monday, bring her in.

Overall, though, I am glad we are now in Sierrra Vista because we have already seen Katie and Jonny, my parents, and Susan at our apartment. Even with Emily sick.