Unreal

I just made the call to schedule my ultrasound appointment and it looks like I will be finding out if this baby is a boy or a girl on Wednesday (next week) @ 11am. My sister (Susan) and husband (Eric) will be there and I'm so excited. I even double-checked to make sure I can have 2 people in there, which I totally can.

It's a little unreal still, even now. I'm sitting here in maternity jeans while the baby swims around like my belly is the YMCA and when I stand I can feel the firmness of my belly. But it still feels like I'm a just a kid, wishing and waiting to have a kid.

When you were little, did you ever play that game MASH? There was a million categories and you always had a friend that added some new categories that you knew weren't on the original but it was fun so you played anyway? You would go through and list pets you wanted, the person you would marry, how many kids you would have, your dream job, etc. You would then go through the list and narrow each category down to one and that's how your life would be, in theory lol. I can't tell you the amount of times I married Tom Cruise, lived in a shack, had a dog named Scout, had 2 kids, and made no money when I was 10 years old.

This feels like I'm just dreaming like I'm 10 years old. Or like when I was a teenager and I would talk to my dad in the backyard, telling him how we'll live by a lake that he can always visit and they'll get a mini-bar in the room and we'll have a golden retriever; it's something I want but when is that a reality?

I know that I've had tests and ultrasounds and doctor's appointments and I know that I'm pregnant. But I don't think the reality of me having a baby and becoming someone's mommy has hit me. Maybe it feels like I'm still dreaming because I can't really say "her" or "him" since I don't know. Maybe it won't even hit me until this baby is born and I hold them on my chest and see that little face. Or a week later when I'm home and realize that I'll always be a mom now.

I think I'll be a good mom but I think I need to say something - I know that I have many friendships with some amazing mothers. I respect all that they have done with their families and I know that each of them has to be doing something right. As much as I will appreciate the advice that I get, I need you all to respect my decision that I won't always take it.

I know that I need to support the neck and feed my child and change their diaper and take care of myself - that's pretty standard.  However, the more advice I get right at the beginning, the more I feel like I have to take it out of respect of everyone's experience. I hope you understand that your decisions and opinions about discipline, breastfeeding, baby clothing, shopping, working, eating, exercising, yelling, teaching, Santa Claus, the East Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and general raising of your child or children are not mine. I hope you all have known me well enough that I have enough common sense to make these decisions. I don't have to justify what I'll decide to do. Trust me - I love hearing about how other mothers take care of things. But even right now, I don't need the stress of being told what I need to do. If I always listen to everyone's opinion, who's taking care my child? If I put you first, my child isn't. And I'm not sorry that my child wins that battle.

I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. Please do not take all the excitement away from me with what I "should" do. If you have an opinion or even know something I shouldn't, I would love if you shared. But don't be offended if I don't use that information.

Actually, someone may have to stop me from buying white clothing for my newborn. I have a feeling that it won't be the best color for the messiness that my child will possess.